Warcraft World!
by Agent Smith
Summary: The World of Warcraft. A world populated mostly by Undead Rogues, Tauren Shaman, Human Paladin, and Night Elf Druid. This is their story.
1. A Sick, Sad World

**Warcraft World**

by Agent Smith

* * *

Vincent von Daggar screamed as he was severed from the control of the Lich King by the power of the Forsaken. As he awoke in a strange crypt, he noticed a necromancer standing above him.

"Greetings, Vincent. I have freed you from the Lich King", the necromancer said.

"Awww, shucks, why did you have to go do that? I was perfectly content being one of the Lich King's slaves." Vincent replied.

"SHUT UP! Anyways, you must choose a class. I recommend you choose something unique and-"

"OH! I KNOW! I'LL BE AN UNDEAD ROGUE! I BET THERE AREN'T TOO MANY OF THOSE!"

The Necromancer slapped his forehead and sighed, then walked out of the crypt to go kill himself. He liked killing himself because he never really died, but the durability loss sometimes gets annoying.

Meanwhile, Vincent von Dagger levelled up on some of the pathetic monsters that were scattered around the glades. Upon reaching level 10, he noticed he could put points into talents.

"Hmm, let's see here... The talent trees..." Vincent pondered.

"Attack Enemy While They Are Fighting Someone Else Tree... oooh, that one sounds good. Or, how about Attack Enemy While They Are Low On Health Fighting Someone Else Tree... Even better!" Vincent exclaimed, then levelled up a few dozen more times to head to Duskwood to kill graybies.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Darnassus...

"Hah! I have designed a Night Elf character so original and unique, all from using mental images of Legolas in my head! I even named him... Legilas!" Legilas said, surrounded by thirteen other Night Elves who looked exactly the same. They were also all either Druids or Hunters.

Suddenly, a circus caravan rolled into town. A tent was set up, and a sign outside read...

'Lord of the Rings Look A-Like Contest'

"Wow, finally something that will bring more people to us, causing more lag than Ironforge Auction house at the peak of the populated high server with over fifty epic armors in the Auction House being sold for 3 gold a piece!" Legilas said, as him and the other Legolas look alikes joined the Gimli and Aragorn look alikes marching into the Darnassus square to lag everyone who doesn't have a cray supercomputer.

* * *

Meanwhile, at LAGonforge...

Hector the level 60 Mage was busy teleporting around the Common Area of Ironforge. He wasn't even blinking, the sheer lag was causing him to port around... until he fell to his death in the Great Forge. Elsewhere, another three million people were gathered in the Commons, either sitting around doing nothing, or jumping around on their mounts, or using the spyglass trick to reach the vents where the Gryphons fly through.

"Wow, this place sucks." said Guywithoutagoodcomp.

"Agreed." said Girlwithoutagoodcomp.

"Let's group and head to Strangevale."

They grouped, headed to Strangevale where they got zerged trying to leave Booty Bay.

* * *

At Nessingway's Expedition, Vincent and his buddies were sitting around slaughtering any mortal who dare come within a five mile radius of any of the vital quest givers.

"Ahhh, this is fun... getting no honor points nor contribution points, and completely wasting my time, mana, poisons, and 15 bucks a month doing nothing but temporarily delaying Alliance characters from turning in their quests. This is the life." Vincent said, his buddies... of course being either Undead Rogues or Tauren Shaman, immediately turned their heads to see a level 30 Human mage coming towards them, praying to God she could at least sheep one long enough so that she could run for her life now that she had been spotted.

"GRAYBIE! AFTER HER!" Vincent said, and activated his sprint. Within seconds, the victorious Horde finished killing and raping the mage's corpse.

A level 35 Dwarf Warrior approached.

"Uh oh, this guy is turning up green on my level monitor... should we run?" a Tauren Shaman said.

"It's a warrior, no worries." Vincent said, before stunning the Warrior while he was fighting a monster, and then he and his friends threw all sorts of spells, debuffs, zerglings, and hydralisks at the Warrior, leaving his corpse a smoldering pile of char in seconds.

* * *

Things were no better for the Horde at Tarren Mill, which was now called Hiroshima Mill since the roughly five million level 60 alliance had finished blowing it to hell after the 3rd raid in the past 5 minutes.

A Troll Priest immediately entered the fray, hoping the Death Guards would distract the army of Alliance zerglings long enough for him to kill one monster. Troll Priest managed to get a nearby wolf down to half health before he was spotted and executed by the Alliance.

* * *

Ammy the Human Priest and Jeffrey the Human Paladin entered what they believed to be some sort of ghost town. There was nobody there, yet the ghoulist yells of 'LFG Stockades' sometimes echoed through the barren alleys of Stormwind.

"Hello? Anyone here?" Ammy yelled.

After some crickets chirped and tumble weeds rolled by, they finally found another pair of adventurers... who were looking for a group for the Stockades.

"LFG Stockades" Gol said.

"LFM Stockades" Maia added.

"Tank looking for stockade" Master Chief yelled.

"INVITE HIM GOL!" Maia yelled. Finally, a group of five was formed. Five was usually more than the entire population of Stormwind anyways. They entered the stockade.

"Ammy Heal Me!" Gol said as he aggroed about 30000 prisoners with his AOE spell and ran around in a frenzy.

Ammy started healing him, and after healing one hit point, all the prisoners immediately focused their attention on her.

"Oh crap" Ammy said. Jeffrey tried desperately to save his priest friend while Master Chief ran around aggroing more prisoners and a few bosses.

"PRIEST IS NOOB!" Maia yelled as the group was finally put out of it's misery and wiped.

Too be continued...


	2. Intermission: Patch Time!

**Warcraft World!**

By Agent Smith

Intermission: Patch Time!

* * *

Both the Alliance and Horde had ceased fighting each other (with the exception of Hillsbrad Foothills... where the fighting never ends, even at 3 in the morning the day after the Rapture and a nuclear holocaust), to gather in their respective laggy capitals and awaiting the coming of the new patch. After a nice slow download and install, everyone was updated with the newest abilities and features which would be brought to the World of Warcraft.

By that I mean, newest incomplete systems and the latest in nerfs.

"Awww crap, now my summons do no damage, and my spells cost me half of my mana a cast." the Warlock cried, before he was immediately killed by a rogue.

"Hurrah! Now us rogues get 1000x attack damage towards an enemy fighting a mob, as well as AOE spells no longer reveal us from stealth." some random rogue exclaimed, as he was met with the roars of excitement from the other rogues which populated the server... which meant half the server.

"Hogwash! Now Paladins get free plate armor, free epic mounts, free freebies, free food, free water, free rank awards, free ranks, free contribution points, and free HKs by being within a 40 mile radius of any player killed, even if they are a rival faction." the Paladin said.

Then a mage ran in and killed them all with instant Arcane Explosion, before running out of mana and not being able to blink away from the 50 gankers bearing down on him because his blink got ended short by a bridge, or tiny speed bump, or jagged pebble.

All was well though, as the sins of the patch making things further infavor of dime-a-dozen classes were forgotten as everyone began to explore an exciting new area on the map where the monsters had no loot or experience and the terrain had plenty of holes leading to death drops.

To be continued...


	3. Honor Farming

**Chapter 3 - Honor Farming**

Private Joe entered Alterac Valley, finally, after sitting in the queue for about four and a half hours while he ran around Gadgetzan emote spamming lowbies.

"Wow, this place is great! Finally, the server will tremble underneath the feet of Joe the Shadow Priest!"

Finally, after 14 weeks non-stop of spamming TAB and Shadow Word Pain, Private Joe was now Grand Marshal Joe.

"Hahaha! 2300 hours of farming and I finally have a gear set that is less than comparable to that of an MC running guilds!" Grand Marshal Joe explained, as he led the final charge of his Alterac Valley zerglings into the Horde General's lair.

THEN, SUDDENLY, THEY ALL DIED.

"Wow, what happened to the AC?" Clara the Undead women asked. "It was as if God came in and struck them down himself."

Suddenly, Unoriginalbastard the Tauren Shaman walked out of the General's building, dusting off his hands.

---

This brought plenty of rage towards the forums, as usual. Grand Marshal Joe was quick to vent his frustration.

"That is so unfair. Shaman's are so overpowered. Blizzard, get off your ass and do something!" Grand Marshal Joe exclaimed, met by the cheers of the AC.

"Stupid AC, Blizzard even said that Shaman's aren't overpowered, they are simply the only class that is balanced and complete." High Warlord Ted retorted, garnering his share of 'For the Horde''s.

"Isn't that just a fancy way of saying overpowered anyways?"

"Learn to play your class noob."

"Well, if Horde didn't exploit all the time..."

"Shut up, it's because all Alliance are little kids and have no coordination, whereas Horde is more skillful."

"Aka Geeks M I RITE?"

The fighting between the idiots worsened, until Blizzard finally stepped in.

"Ok, do to all the complaining... As well as with the inability to stop duping and gold farming, we are completely revamping World of Warcraft. Here are the patch notes..."

GENERAL

-Factions eliminated, as are PvP servers. Duels are the only way to fight other plays now.

-Classes are completely revamped. Rogue is now Assassin. Druid is Beastmaster. Mage is now Sorceress. Warriors are now Barbarians. Paladins and Priests are combined into one Paladin class. Warlocks have been revamped into the much wanted Necromancer. Hunters are now known as Amazons.

-Soulbinding is now removed. This should allow for more easy item trading.

-Monsters now drop tons of gold, which is now worthless.

-No need for mounts of any kind including air, as anyone can now teleport to set waypoints in the world, as long as they have discovered them and flagged them.

-Some world environments are now completely randomized!

SPELLS

-Skills of mass owning, such as Arcane Explosion, have been revamped into the mighty Shock Nova.

-Necromancers/Warlocks can now raise billions of lag enducing skeletons.

-Cooldown on Potions removed. In edition, belts can now hold varing numbers of potions outside of your other bags.

-Hunters/Amazons multishot will now kill everything on the screen with the right spam equipment.

COMING SOON

-We hope to removing those boring bosses like Ragnaros and Onyxia and replace them with classical badasses such as Diablo, Mephisto, Baal, and some other nameless garbage!

-We will also have Hyjal up... just not anytime in the near future.

THE END?


	4. The End of the WoW

Chapter 34437: The End of WoW

---

This last chapter isn't entirely humor in the sense of the previous chapters, but a serious outlook on the problems of WoW. The final chapter of this story should not be read unless you are looking for a somewhat educated response to the many complaints about this game, and it's many shortcomings.

---

"One more well-timed jump... There!" Old Man Peterson said, as he and his companion, Somewhat Younger Akerson reached the top of the Ironforge Airport.

"Wow, Old Man Peterson, you finally did it! You've done everything in WoW there is to do!" Akerson said.

"Yeah, it only took me a five digit long length of hours, countless stress, and cost me my job and social life." Old Man Peterson growled. "What a waste."

"Damn, you've gotten pretty bitter over the years Old Man Peterson, why is that?" Akerson asked.

"Well, you see kid, when you reach the same level of total hours clocked as I have, you begin to see what is wrong with the world. That, or if you actually had common sense to begin with and avoided playing this game all together." Old Man Peterson explained.

"But, WoW is fun!" Akerson yelled in almost disbelief, but piped down when he realized that the GM's would hear him and ban them both for being in an exploit area.

"Is it, Somewhat Younger Akerson?" Old Man Peterson began, "You spend the first couple of hundred hours levelling, doing quests, and so forth. Those were the glory days. The fear of the opposite faction killing you and camping your corpse for several hours. The sheer adrenaline of watching your group wipe and the aftermath of finger pointing and cussing. Tedious hours grinding for experience and mount money. Realizing that you picked a gimp class and have to start over from Day 1."

"Come on, those days weren't that bad!" Akerson said.

"You're right, they weren't... at least compared to the end game." Old Man Peterson continued, "Upon reaching level 60, many things are open to you. Even more tedious hours grinding for epic mount money. Finding your way into one of your server's three top faction clans. Spending even more hours raking up DKP so that you can get one item that has cool purple lettering and looks somewhat decent on your character depending whether or not the epic set models are even complete yet."

"Well, at least you have clanmates to help you out." Akerson said.

"Well, maybe in PvP, but when it comes to PvE and epic sets, you are at competition with your class. If you are in one of the top clans, chances are you will be kissing the ass of your clan leaders and officers just to stay in the guild." Old Man Peterson replied.

Our 'heroes' continue near the edge of the airport mountain, looking down upon the wetlands and watching as the horde exploited the ships to avoid the guards at Menethil Harbor, while the Alliance yelled and bitched about it instead of actually desiring to fight.

"See, PvP is another thing. For one, people take their pride in their faction to literally. They use stereotypes of another faction to get their point across on the forums and such. All Alliance are twelve year olds who are obsessed with Lord of the Rings characters. All Horde are hardcore gaming geeks who listen to heavy metal music and are obsessed with Undead. People join the Alliance because they want numbers and quantity. People join the Horde because they want, 'offensive' racial abilities and thus, quality." Old Man Peterson said.

"But they do realize it's just a game right?" Akerson asked, causing Old Man Peterson to laugh.

"Please. Most of them have devoted so much time that they forget where they are... an online community where it is far easier to sound and look like a tough guy than they can ever hope to be in real life. They post on a forum where cookie cutter phrases such as 'Cry more noob' or 'Learn to play' are the norm. They use this forum to spam their inside jokes and phrases in YTMND format, enraging the members of that community who are more interested in listening to racial slurs for colored people being accused of taking a pink guy's bicycle." Old Man Peterson continued.

"It's not all bad, there can be some cool people on WoW!" Akerson said. "Besides, it's Blizzard, what can go wrong?"

"Plenty can go wrong. Unlike their previous games, where most balance issues were addressed at the same time per patch, Blizzard seems to have taken a new approach where they merely upgrade or tweak one class at a time. Since patches are usually seperated by months, it takes forever for some issues to be addressed. Look at casters, specifically mages. They were considered overpowered in beta, but since they haven't been touched in a significant way since beta, the other classes slowly began to become more powerful than them." Old Man Peterson explained.

"Even worse is that caster itemization hasn't been addressed, so that even if mages, priests, or warlocks are buffed, they won't be able to go toe to toe with melee as well as they should." Old man Peterson added.

"Itemization wha?" Akerson said.

"Look at it this way. If a warrior wants a significant increase in damage, they just need to find a single item, a weapon, to become high grade damage dealers. On the other hand, a caster will have to find an ENTIRE SET just to get the damage increase, and usually, the plus damage stat means a decrease in other stats anyways." Old Man Peterson said.

"Well then, nerf warriors!" Akerson suggested.

"That may seem like a plausible effect to just nerf a class that seems powerful in the face of unupgraded classes, but what about the classes that the warrior has to go toe to toe with and be challenged by? Now they will dominate warriors, and warriors will be calling for a nerfs on whatever class they are being dominated by." Old Man Peterson replied. "This game isn't balanced, it's more like a game of rock paper and scissors."

"I never thought of it that way, especially when I was on the forums complaining about Shamans being overpowered." Akerson said.

"Shamans bring up an interesting point. Blizzard doesn't seem to want to directly come out and say other classes are more powerful than the others, thus, overpowered. In the case of Shamans, they explained that 'Shamans are the only complete class'. However, read between the lines. If Shamans are the **only** complete class, that means the other classes are incomplete, and thus, underpowered, or possibly suggested that they may be overpowered in the face of Shamans. However, I have seen enough of WoW to determine that no class has a distinct advantage over Shamans. The closest are Paladins, which simply have the ability to not die for a while." Old Man Peterson said.

"Personally if you ask me, a 'jack of all trades' class for just one faction is a mistake which should have never made it past beta. However, to be fair to Shamans, people tend to overexaggerate their power, not realizing that all Shaman trees have greatly powerful abilities, the Shaman usually only goes down two trees." Old Man Peterson continued.

"Well, Old Man Peterson, I'm really inspired by all this. What made you so compelled to explain all this to me up here on this mountain?" Akerson asked.

"You will be the witness to my end, my friend." Old Man Peterson explained.

"WHAT? Are you going to... CANCEL YOUR ACCOUNT?" Akerson yelled.

"Exactly. Between the long hours required to achieve anything in the relatively boring end game, the imbalances, the petty flaming, and most of all, the fact that I'm paying fifteen dollars of my hard earned money for this game, in which one of this stories reviewers so adequetly put it, that only masochists can truely enjoy, it's time to end it all." Old Man Peterson said.

Then, Old Man Peterson lifted a gun out of his armor, and aimed it at his head.

"NOOO! Are you sure you want to cancel your account?" Akerson said to his friend.

"Considering that the next patch is probably going to upgrade a class that isn't mine, and indirectly nerf my class... Hell, freakin, yes." Old Man Peterson said, then pulled the trigger.

A loud bang was heard, as Old Man Peterson's credit card information was blown out of his head and scattered all along the snow, staining the snow into a money green color. Old Man Peterson's corpse tumbled off the ledge, towards Menethil Harbor.

---

Meanwhile, in Menethil Harbor...

"You noob horde! You guys are geeks in real life who listen to too much Marilyn Manson!" some alliance yelled. "Stop camping the ships!"

"LOL you stupid alliance I can't understand a word you are saying because cross faction communication is, thankfully, unusable! Go watch some more LotR you twelve year old!" the horde yelled back.

Suddenly, a bright red streak darted toward Menethil Harbor. The two battling factions stopped their laggy warfare and looked up.

It was Peterson's corpse, heading at maximum velocity towards the city. Before anyone could react, it impacted, causing a massive explosion and a sudden spam of yells...

"CRAP!"

"NERF!"

"KEK!"

"BUR!"

"KAAAAAHN!"

"Snake? SNAAAAAAKKKEE!"

"LEEERROOOY NNNJENKINS!"

"Ditka vs Nefarion! STARSHIP TROOPERS MUSIC!"

"COOL I WILL SPAM THE WOW FORUMS TO GET IT IN YTMND TOP 15!"

"Nelson Muntz HAHA!"

"NERF SHAMANS!"

"WORLD OF ROGUECRAFT!"

"MAGES NEED INVIS!"

"WARLOCKS ARE USELESS!"

"PALADINS TAKE FOREVER TO KILL SOMETHING!"

"EVERYONE HAS AIDS!"

"AIDS AIDS AIDS!"

"LEARN TO PLAY!"

"CRY MORE NOOB!"

"LEARN TO CRY!"

"PLAY MORE NOOB!"

"WHAT?"

The shockwave from the explosion pierced right into the core of the planet, causing the server to crash, FOREVER.

THE END


End file.
